Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
