You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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