worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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