Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
