when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
