I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
