Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
