I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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