dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
