No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
