I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
