If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
