tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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