My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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