Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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