mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize