i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
