You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
