I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
