I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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