I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
