I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
