So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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