she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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