Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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