stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
