I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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