So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
