the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
