Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
