In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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