just come out here and I will go home with you...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
