Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
