Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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