I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
