I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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