That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
