Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
should my penis look like a turkey
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
