I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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