Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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