The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
