I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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