I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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