My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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