Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
