shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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