if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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