I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
