This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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