I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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