eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
