Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
