I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
