Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
