So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
